Fat.

“A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is eight years old, she’s got pink cheeks that her grandmother calls chubby. She wants a second cookie but her aunt says “you’ll get huge if you keep eating.” She wants a dress and the woman in the changing room says “she’ll probably need a large in that.” She wants to have dessert and her waiter says “After all that dinner you just had? You must be really hungry!” and her parents laugh.
A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is eleven and she is picked second-to-last in gym class. She watches a cartoon and sees that everyone who is annoying is drawn with a big wide body, all sweaty and panting. At night she dreams she is swelling like the ocean over seabeds. When she wakes up, she skips school.
A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is thirteen and her friends are stick-thin ballerinas with valleys between their hipbones. She is instead developing the wide curves of her mother. She says she is thick but her friends argue that she’s “muscular” and for some reason this hurts worse than just admitting that she jiggles when she walks and she’ll never be a dancer. Eating seconds of anything feels like she’s breaking some unspoken rule. The word “indulgent” starts to go along with “food.”
A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is fourteen and she has stopped drinking soda and juice because they bloat you. She always takes the stairs. She fidgets when she has to sit still. Whenever she goes out for ice cream, she leaves half at the bottom – but someone else always leaves more and she feels like she’s falling. She pretends to like salad more than she does. She feels eyes burrowing through her body while she eats lunch. Kate Moss tells her nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, but she just feels like she is wilting.
A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is fifteen the first time her father says “you’re getting gaunt.” She rolls her eyes. She eats one meal a day but thinks she stays the same size. Every time she picks up a brownie she thinks of the people she sees on t.v. and every time she has cake, she thinks of the one million magazine articles on restricting calories. She used to have no idea a flat stomach was supposed to be beautiful until she saw advice on how to achieve it. She cuts back on everything. She controls. They tell her she’s getting too thin but she doesn’t believe it.
A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is sixteen and tearing herself into shreds in order for a thigh gap big enough to hush the screams in her head. She doesn’t “indulge,” ever. She can’t go out with friends, they expect her to eat. She damns her sweet tooth directly to hell. It’s coffee for breakfast and tea for lunch and if there’s dance that evening, two cups of water and then maybe an apple. She lies all the time until she thinks the words will rot her teeth. She dreams about food when she sleeps. Her aunt begs her to eat anything, even just a small cookie. They say, “One bite won’t make you fat, will it, darling?”
A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is seventeen and too sick to go to prom because she can’t stand up for very long. She thinks she wouldn’t look good in a dress anyway. Her nails are blue and not because they are painted. Her hair is too thin to do anything with. She’s tired all the time and always distracted. She once absently mentions the caloric value of grapes to the boy she is with and he looks at her like she’s gone insane and in that moment she realizes most people don’t have numbers constantly scrolling in their heads. She swallows hard and tries to figure out where it all went wrong, why more than a granola bar for a meal makes her feel sick, why she tastes disease and courts with death. She misses sleep. She misses being able to dream. She misses being herself instead of just being empty.
A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is twenty and writes poetry and is a healthy weight and still fights down the voices every single day. She puts food in her mouth and sometimes cries about it but more and more often feels good, feels balanced. Her cheeks are pink and they are chubby and soft and no longer growing slight fur. Her hair is long and it is beautiful. She still picks herself apart in the mirror, but she’s starting to get better about it. She wears the dress she likes even if it only fits her in a large and she doesn’t feel like a failure for it. She is falling in love with the fat on her hips.
She is eating out with friends and not worrying about finding the lowest calorie item on the menu when she hears a mother tell her four year old daughter “You can’t have ice cream, we just had dinner. 
You don’t want to end up as a fat little girl.””

Why do we constantly do this to our children? /// r.i.d (via inkskinned)

“1. There’s a reason schools teach Shakespeare instead of John Green; you make your own life, it’s not written in the stars, waiting to start until you find that person with the perfect smile
2. People are a hell of a lot smart than you think. Shut your mouth, stop thinking you know everything, and listen.
3. Getting close and being vulnerable is scary as hell, But you know what else it is? Worth it.
4. Reason really is the doctor to love.
5. The moment you feel your happiness being dictated by another person, take a break from them.
6. Take a step back and look around, you have more friends than you think.
7. Growing up is going to happen and it’s going to be tough. Just stay close to those around you, you’re all in it together.
8. If you’re still checking their Facebook/Instagram/tumblr, you’re never going to get over them.
9. Everything seems worse in the morning. Don’t fall for it, it’s deceiving.
10. No need to be so intense all the time. People get tired of swimming in the deep end, sometimes they need a break in the shallow part of the pool.
11. Stop avoiding everything. Get out of bed, get dressed, go to school, go to work. It sucks at first but it’s part of the healing process.
12. If the person makes you feel like shit and you still go back to them, it’s an abusive relationship.
13. Headphones are great, but listen to music aloud every once in a while. Sometimes you need to scream a song so everyone can hear you.
14. Boundaries are a must.
15. You can be a caring person, but you need to be happy with yourself before you try to make others happy.
16. Try and understand other’s intentions and situation before you get angry with them.
17. Tough love is necessary sometimes.
18. You can’t fix people no matter how hard you try. Get this engrained in your mind.
19. Surround yourself with people who will love and support you.
20. Loneliness is lethal and makes you have a distorted view of things.
21. No one hates you more than you hate yourself. Stop being your own enemy.
22. Someone can only hurt your feelings if you allow them to.
23. Getting your shit back in order is five times as hard as it is to mess it all up.
24. Listen to your parent’s advice.
25. Be open to anything and everything. Life isn’t fun when you’re a closed book.
26. Talking about your problems is great, but there comes a point when talking about it becomes dwelling on the past and it drains everyone around you. Know when you’ve hit this point.
27. A lot of people don’t like their shit showing. More people than you know are going through hard times.
28. Distract yourself.
29. Don’t be so easily swayed, a lot of claims out there are not true.
30. Some seasons of your life are harder than others. This too shall pass.”

30 Things I Learned During the 30 Worst Days of my Life: November 2013 (via dylinquent)

“I can get my head turned by a good-looking guy as much as the next girl. But sexy doesn’t impress me. Smart impresses me, strength of character impresses me. But most of all, I am impressed by kindness. Kindness, I think, comes from learning hard lessons well, from falling and picking yourself up. It comes from surviving failure and loss. It implies an understanding of the human condition, forgives its many flaws and quirks. When I see that in someone, it fills me with admiration.”

~ Lisa Unger (via blacktidalwave)

“I am more than: my relationship status. My job. My age. My sexuality. My degree or lack of. My last name. My appearance. My gender. My sex. My short comings.

I am: rusted thoughts. A bloody tongue. Every city I have breathed in. Every bedroom I have loved in. Piles of words. Twisted metaphors. My thoughts. My actions. My dreams.
And I am not looking to be loved. I am looking to be seen.”

~ I Am Not | Lora Mathis (via grumpys)

since it was pen’s last day, we decided to grab a few drinks. the simple laid back few drinks we planned ended up in a gay bar! this was my first time to actually step inside this kind of bar! ahaha they were actually worried that i won’t enjoy it but it was okay naman. we’re able to catch the night’s highlight, macho men dancing with just skimpy briefs and greasy bodies! hehe un totoo i found it boring haha cguro sa buong crowd (there were literally soooo many people as in) i’m the only one who’s thinking cguro what on earth made these men have a job like this?! ewan, pero that’s one realization for me, this is real at hindi sa movies lang nangyayari😳 second realization, it’s weird to see men kissing, hugging and almost making out!! i’m pro same love, sabi ko nga love is love no matter the gender pero my goodness, i’m not really prepared yet to witness these kind of stuffs! nkkloka!! iba iba sila, there were super gwapos, super machos, young, old, cross dressers, foreigners, iba iba! there were some that would really pass for a straight man, hindi mo talaga maiisip that they’re gay. kahit saan ako tumingin they were engaging into something with someone, whoa! tranny divas also performed that night, i actually enjoyed them than the macho men😁 but above all mas bumenta talaga samen was the cross dresser from the other table, all out impersonation, he even showed on the crowd his boob, haha mukhang duhat!!😜 pen asked me couple of times if there’s also a bar for les, i don’t really know haha i’m more on chill lang, not really into crowded & noisy places. oh well, all in all it was a fun night, surprisingly i enjoyed my first gay bar experience😌💗🎉💃

it was pen’s last day last friday. 4 long years, sabay tayong ngsimula, nauna ka lang umalis. the clown & energy of international marines will be greatly missed! lahat ng kabalbalan, katarantaduhan, kabastusan sa’yo ko natutunan haha! everyday office won’t be the same anymore! but tama ka teh, no goodbyes, we’ll keep in touch! fly high and best of luck😃😉✨

“I’ve got this tiny pang of regret when I think of how much I have probably missed out on in the last few years because I was too scared to take a risk, or too shy to speak up, or too worried to be bold.”

~ Jessi Kirby, Golden (via fawun)

“If you leave someone at least tell them why, because what’s more painful than being abandoned; is knowing you’re not worth an explanation.”

(via clazen)